This is a story about my first ever relationship It’s a story about consents and valuing how you truly feel Whilst it only lasted three months and you’ll find out why it abruptly ended I’m hoping this will serve as a message to anybody else that may be testing the water with being in a first relationship Or any kind of relationship and to know that if you are ever uncomfortable You can and should be vocal about it Always honor how you’re truly feeling I won’t be going into too much details. So if you came here looking for a juicy intimate and passionate story You’re in the wrong place, bud But I will say that while my BA first in animation doesn’t qualify me to be giving advice in any way This is purely a reflection as a 26 year old Looking at how I saw the world as a 13 to 14 year old so, you know Discretion is advised as well as common sense Anyway on with the tale So I changed in appearance quite drastically from 12 to 14 years old and not necessarily in a good way I decided to do a little experiment to see what it would take to become a popular girl I ended up dying my hair bleach blonde, I plucked my brows I mean, can you believe that thick brows were generally considered uncool back in 2007? I guess you could say they were Frowned upon I started wearing makeup and.. Began to diet which eventually spiraled into a long-term eating disorder that controlled most of my everyday life until I was 22 Do not recommend this Most unfortunate of all this behavior was reinforced by the fact that I did, in fact start drawing attention Other kids started noticing me boys took an interest in me So I guess my little sick science project proved successful to the dismay of humanity as a whole. Let’s all facepalm together now In my first comprehensive or high school, we had mandatory after-school clubs on Wednesday Yeah, that’s right. You were forced to attend to be frank I found it loathesome if I had actual friends to laugh and joke with it might have been a different story But as you can imagine sports clubs aren’t so appealing when you’re consistently the last one to be picked Not because I was bad at sport. Though in my third year (year nine for the Brits)
Where you at fam? They introduced a new woodworking club.
Now this.. This was my jam or.. this was my sap
Should I say? More prominently this would be where I met technically my first boyfriend, my first ever romantic experience Which in a few months, I’d learn a lasting life lesson from Cody was tall, slim, was subtly nerdy but also exceeded an air of confidence More than anything he had cute hair I was always a sucker for interesting hairstyles Despite him being in my year I’d never actually really seen him before This wasn’t entirely uncommon with the way our year groups were splits But as we started talking we immediately hit it off Our task at the woodworking Club was to build birdhouses for the school grounds And of course me being me went above and beyond in creating some elaborate Blueprints for this bird mansion essentially. Cody liked my idea so he was working with me. Inevitably we were forced to water down our original design But we laughed and joked every step of the way
and I forgot all of my worries in the world I felt like I had a real friend I wanted to be around him more. I couldn’t wait to see him.
We started organizing to hang out during our lunch breaks We were texting more and more. I started getting butterflies in my stomach whenever we were together Or whenever I got a message from him, I felt like “Oh, gosh, is this what it is to like-like somebody?
Is this what flirting is?” One day out of the blue one of Cody’s buddies approached me “Cody wants to see her he’s waiting for you downstairs.” I’m trying to do an internal screaming noise. How do you do an internal screaming when its internal? No So I March over to the dimly lit entranceway between the south side of the school and the the back outdoor area Where he was waiting for me This all seems so dark and romantic at the time and my heart was honestly beating out of my chest “Amy I’ve always loved you”
No, no no, no, no enough of that. That’s not how it went It’s not like the movies real life is really messy.
Don’t expect that I mean, it seems so dramatic at the time, but it was more along the lines of “So… Do you want to like, go out?” “Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” “Uh… Yeah?” “Yeah, okay” Teens, we’re all inherently awkward I mean I was generally a shy teen but I must have got swept up in the moment Or maybe I was just thinking of the stuff that happens in the movies because I rushed forward and kissed him I vividly remember saying
“Huh. You taste like cookies” Then going ABSOLUTELY bright red,
realizing that I’d , uh.. Unintentionally said that out loud Thank the Stars the Bell immediately rang allowing me to just dart off and hide my beet colored cheeks He smiled and called after me.
“I’ll text you later” “You taste like cookies.”
Oh, why did I say that out loud? For the first few weeks of our “Relationship” I was still writing the high of this uncharted territory excited Every time I saw him on my lunch breaks, we would talk and joke around and had the occasional kiss I was more than content with this. I thought we were best friends, but he had feelings for me, too Everything that young teen me wanted
Everything that young teen me was comfortable with But that didn’t last long
Because that around a month in things started to change and.. I wasn’t so cool with it He started becoming more pushy and being more outwardly affectionate Wanting to make out more in public and I was uncomfortable with this But at the same time I just brushed it off as me being a shy young person He cared about me, right?
He wouldn’t do anything to intentionally make me uncomfortable and Yes, I should have voiced my concerns then. He started becoming more Handsy First subtly and secretly but then it became more obvious And I remember thinking at this point high on adrenaline. “I don’t I don’t think I’m okay with this But is this normal is this what people do when they date at my age? I’m am I being am I the one that’s being unreasonable here because he’s paying attention to me So shouldn’t I like this. Is there something wrong with me?” Yes, I absolutely should have mentioned that it made me uncomfortable at this point But 13-year old me had no idea what was considered normal and trust me. I was thinking about burning it up with him Stay with me folks Worst of all, I felt like I had no one to talk to
The one girl that I did kind of consider my Friend, she got jealous that I had a boyfriend and dumped me to go and hang out with some other Girls that were also making fun of me so I had no chance of talking to her I was afraid to bring it up with my mum in case she would belittle me somehow and I was too awkward to bring it Up with my dad because he’s my dad Our school didn’t have any Real counseling system in place and judging by how they treated my issues around being bullied in the past Which was essentially shake hands and be friends now get out of my office So I cautiously continued Meanwhile Contemplating what I should do if he ended up trying to persuade me into anything. I really didn’t want to do if I push him away now. He might leave me forever Yeah hormones can do wacky things to you.
Try not to let it get the better of your common sense I know from that age
I didn’t really understand what was going on But as it turns out Cody’s family were pretty wealthy Because for my birthday and for Christmas He bought me a white gold necklace and bangle I remember feeling so guilty that I couldn’t afford such fancy presents to reciprocate these gifts seemed Very grown-up. I mean the main thing I was looking forward to at Christmas was Pokemon diamond, you know I was a 13 year old kid For holiday treat his parents took us to a cinema that was out of town. They left us and they pick us up again Later, I can’t remember what film we saw I just remember him wanting to make out throughout the entire thing Pulling me closer and even though we sat in the back I felt kind of embarrassed that like anybody would have seen believe it or not I actually wanted to watch the film rather than stare into his tonsils in the car ride home. It was completely dark outside Sitting in the back of his parent’s 4×4 sharing earbuds from his ipod nano With coats over us like a blanket you probably think this sounds cute and it probably looked cute from an outside perspective, too But what you wouldn’t see from the outside was his increasingly wandering hands beneath the coats I was frozen his parents were in the front seats I felt like I couldn’t make a fuss because they’d notice I thought maybe The tension and the fixated gaze outside on the passing streetlights would speak louder than words to him Rigid in shock, but no Even then I should have been vocal in my little teen brain. I thought somehow I’d be blamed for this For making this son look bad I was scared to do anything or call him out and say “Please stop” I’d only just turned 14 and I wasn’t ready for this kind of behavior. I couldn’t wait to get out of the car.
I said quick thanks to his parents and ran to my door This was not something I wanted and that’s when I finally realized this isn’t right I don’t care what other people think they should be doing at my age But this is not what I want this wave of strength hit me And I knew I had to talk to him about this and I had to say something When I next saw him, he’d come to visit me at my parents house I thought at least I was an earshot of my mum in case there were any Serious problems I had told him I wanted to talk about something important But he just kind of brushed it off and we played some video games and then put a film on in my room Alone Kissing turned into More than kissing and again, I wasn’t comfortable with this So I finally said it I said no and I asked him to stop He asked if instead I’d be okay with being more adventurous with him to try new things That I didn’t need to be nervous and police say no Amy, you know, you don’t want this maybe one day but not now You’re not into this Listen to yourself, please and I did
I was scared to have to push him away But I told him that I really wasn’t ready for this and if we could go back to just taking it slow So we finished watching the film and he went home Over the remaining days of the holiday his text became more infrequent and distant after that night. I was worried about him I thought maybe I’d hurt his feelings or his pride I cared a lot about him But I knew in my heart and gut that it wasn’t right for me to do something that made me uncomfortable I didn’t see him again until we’d started back in school after the new year and he wasn’t answering my messages On my way to the canteen suddenly there. He is walking towards me with his friends I guess he knew he couldn’t avoid this forever pretty sure I was shaking but I stopped him and asked what was going on He thought I would have taken the hint.
He wasn’t talking to me. So I should have assumed that he had broken up with me “Well.. At least we could still be friends?” “Sure” The next day I saw him with another girl.
She was sitting on his lap and they were all over each other making out hard He wouldn’t tell me why he broke up with me, but it didn’t take a genius to guess I missed having him around to talk to But honestly, I was kind of relieved that I’d avoided being pressured into something. I really didn’t want to do Unfortunately My one again quotation marks friend that I had was still completely against me So I had nothing left I’d always hated this schoo,l the Welsh nationalist attitude, the kids, the lack of support I told my dad that I wanted to move schools and within the next two weeks, I left that place behind Just because I moved schools willingly doesn’t make it any less terrifying for a young teen to this day I am so gosh damn proud of myself A concoction of being insecure and the rampant peer pressure and the lack of support Was a recipe for disaster when being pressured into something that you weren’t ready for or even that you don’t want And yet I stood up for myself I listened to how I felt I said no and as a result I have no horrible regrets about it different people want different things out of relationship at different ages For some it’s a lot younger Others a lot older Some aren’t even fussed on it at all Always be respectful and honor how you’re feeling And this applies outside of a romantic setting Toxic friends trying to convince you to do something. You don’t want to? “Nope!” Family putting pressure on you to have kids when you know, you don’t want any? “No, Thank you!” your loved ones like raisins, but you know for a fact that they’re demon spawn? “Um… BYE!” Okay, maybe not that last one I’m sure you can think of more than a few instances where you gave in to peer pressure or did something against your true feelings Or morals, you will make these mistakes It’s part of growing up but know that you can and should stand up for yourself Educate yourself so that you’re more prepared for when it does happen.
Talk to your parents or those close to you It’s honestly not as embarrassing as you might think I may have fallen victim to a lot of other issues in my teens But being vocal about how I was feeling in that situation whilst I was still insecure of myself Standing up myself is a shining diamond of good Amongst my history of youthful decision making and I’m honestly so proud