Things about Relationships I wish someone told me about

Things about Relationships I wish someone told me about

People are so complicated that most of us don’t even understand our feelings and thoughts half the time. Yet, here we are. 7.5 billion of us stuck on this rock, having to interact with each other, everyone with different goals and values and beliefs, and we all gotta try and get along. And also some people have knifes and no emotional reaction to murder- Well, that’s not the point. When I say relationships. I’m talking about any type of interaction between people. Friends, Family, Colleagues, When you do the kisses with someone ;3 Red flags are a term that everyone’s familiar with. That person cheats on everyone they’ve been with? (flirty flirt) RED FLAG.>:( That person only uses people for their personal benefit? RED FLAG. That person doesn’t wipe off the knife after spreading butter on toast, and when they go for more butter, little crumbs get stuck in the tub? (I’m looking at you joe) R e D f L a G. (get outta here you stupid butter) But what about red flags that only start revealing themselves once you’ve built trust with someone and have a connection with? :/ When your opinion of someone is positive, those flags can start being overlooked or you start saying, “Oh, but they’re a good person. I trust them!” “Oh-” hehe “I mean, they wouldn’t want to hurt me on purpose.” (or would they??!!) It’s easy to rationalize warning signs of a bad relationship when you have a positive view of someone. But it doesn’t mean they’re not there, or should be ignored. They’re still being a jerk. It’s just complicated by your history together. I think the majority of people tend to be too nice or passive or overly understanding. It’s really common, and easy to do. :/ Because of that, toxic relationships are much more prevalent than you’d realize, and it can be difficult to know what to look for. (true) There’s a chance you’re in a hurtful relationship right now and don’t even realize it. (a butter knife.. WitH CRuMbS oN iT!?!?) The term, “manipulation” gets thrown around a lot. And because of that I think a lot of people would feel they would be able to identify manipulation if it happened to themselves. But it’s not as easy as, “Chad and Sally are dating.” “Sally wants to go out with friends.” “Chad forces Sally to stay home with him. Chad’s a manipulator.” (dang it chad) FBI OPEN UP! Yeah, that’s actually a super common manipulative situation. (ye) But the way manipulation works, is that it builds up slowly over time and is almost entirely emotional. Chad might instead start isolating Sally from her friends by nitpicking things he doesn’t like about an individual person at a time. (frick chad) Chad: I don’t like how Nick talks to a lot of girls. It’s kind of weird. Chad: Don’t you think Don drinks too much? It’s not too responsible of her. Little implants like that can make Sally view her friends not as highly one by one and start trusting Chad more. A few months of this go by and Sally’s not hanging out with any of her friends anymore. (Poor Sally) and Chad successfully isolated her which means he has much more control over her thoughts and emotions. (friggin chad) You still might think that’s easy to see through and some people are better at picking up on warning flags and others. I think it’s important to keep in mind that everything in real life is much more humanized than when we talk about ’em. For example, we’re raised to believe that drugs are awful. It’s pretty much brainwashed into us. *flashbacks to health class* You’re at a party, the lights are blaring and someone comes up to you and goes, “Hey kid… wanna do a drug?” (epic time slowing noises) Time slows down.. The cigarette is glowing with evil energy… You look up and all of a sudden they’ve grown horns and fangs and OH MY GOD IT’S SATAN! No, it’s not what happens. (yes it is) Realistically, you’d be at a small get-together with close friends. You’ve had a nice night with them so far. Laughing and having a good time just like normal. One of them just takes out a little sandwich baggie and it’s like, “Hey, I’ve got coke.” There’s no time slow-mo, or sirens It’s a completely normal feeling situation and all of a sudden your brain is confused. “Drugs are bad, but this is my friend.” “We’ve known each other since fifth grade. He’s just a normal dude.” “He’s not bad.” “Are my other friends gonna do it?” THUD *friends plop on the table* Your brain thinks of any excuse it can to rationalize behavior from people you trust or think highly of which applies to relationships. It can be difficult, but you need to define how people should treat you and respect yourself enough to not let people maneuver you into bad situations. Emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships are super frickin’ common. And it’s tricky because they jostle with your head feels and can make you feel like a squashed fly on a window. Stuck, powerless, sad. If like corpses even feel sad, I mean, I guess they’re just dead (Or are they?) Emotional blackmail is a way to control or manipulate someone by using guilt, fear, and obligation against them. Is someone passive-aggressive, overly controlling, do they use threats like, “Do this or I’ll hurt you”, or even, “Do this or I’ll hurt myself”. That leads to another difficult situation. If someone ever belittles themselves, “I’m pathetic, you should just leave me.” “I’m gonna hurt myself” It puts you in a complicated position because it can feel like there’s a responsibility to provide this person with whatever they need, because obviously you care about them and you don’t want them to feel this way or even do something bad to themselves. But this is a hard pill you’ve got to just swallow. *Drumroll* You are not personally responsible for anyone’s happiness. “But they’ve got really bad self-esteem, and I’m worried that…” NOT responsible for anyone’s happiness. “But they’re really depressed and can’t help it so I feel like if I just…” NOT responsible for anyone’s happiness. Santa: “But I’m Santa Claus.” All right, gray area. Responsibilities shouldn’t be assigned to you. Even if it breaks your heart to step back, people normally aren’t equipped to be able to help someone with their issues anyway. So it’s best to encourage them to see a professional who’s been trained to know how to handle things. Someone might be struggling with their own personal stuff, but mental illness doesn’t negate their responsibility to maintain a healthy relationship. It just means they need to work on themselves, which is okay, but you don’t need to be a part of that. You’ve got your own junk. They’ve got their junk. You need to decide how much of their junk you want to help with. Don’t let them forcefully shove their junk on you. I like to imagine I’m my own little ecosystem and I do my best to maintain it every day. If there’s a person or a relationship I have that just feels like pollution in any way, maybe it started off well, but slowly started feeling damaging. Then I’ve got to just step back and ask myself if I need to kick them off my planet. It sounds harsh at first, but you really can’t drop your responsibility to maintain your ecosystem in hopes to improve someone else’s. Who’s gonna watch your ecosystem? No one. Because that’s your responsibility. Communication is the most important way to know if you can work on fixing the relationship or need to cut it. “Hey, dude, can you stop dumping toxic waste into my ocean? You’ve been doing it for a while and all my cute little dolphins are dying.” “Oh, geez. I didn’t even realize I was hurting them. I’m sorry what can I do to be better?” Not only have you communicated that there’s a problem, but the person takes full responsibility and is willing to work on getting better. But if they say “Look, how was I supposed to know? I was just trying to help! Why are you being so sensitive.” “That’s toxic as shii-!>:D” Shifting blame, gas lighting, guilt-tripping, Cassius deportation. Let them know how they’re affecting you. Set boundaries on how much you can give and make sure you both have your own support system. So you don’t have to just rely on each other. If things don’t change, *Splat* Look at your behaviors as well. You feel like you need to justify or explain their actions too much. Do other people you trust not like them? People can get stuck accidentally blaming themselves or over rationalizing things that are just not right in the first place, and don’t forget that you can also be doing things wrong too. Self reflect a bit, verbalize your feelings. Ask yourself, “Am I being an a**hole?” Why are you doing things out of spite? Anger? Jealousy? It’s tough to admit your faults, but it’s more important to be 💯 percent real and brutally honest with yourself. If you’re gonna maintain a 💯 percent real relationship. People who manipulate most often don’t realize they’re being manipulative. No one wakes up and is like, “haha I’m gonna be super manipulative today.” Think about your contributions to your relationships and how they affect things. It’s okay to admit when you’ve messed up. It’s more messed up to turn a blind eye and keep being a jerk. It takes a lot to break off any sort of relationship because it can feel like a defeat or like you’ve given up but sometimes that’s just straight up the best and healthiest solution for both of you. Two people can be great but just not mixed well together and if you feel like leaving is dangerous for either you or them, ironically, that’s a pretty strong reason to leave in the first place. Someone shouldn’t ever need you. They should want to you. Your ecosystem should be able to sustain itself and relationships are just the little sprinkles of fertilizer benefit.. for it if you feel like you’re not strong enough to break something off, a good way to work on that is to build confidence, build a good support system, journal your thoughts, practice positive self-talk, “I aM a GoD-” alright not that positive. Treat yourself as a friend. It’s not selfish to want the best for yourself. Especially when someone’s over here being a happiness vampire. When you break something off with someone, remember why things didn’t work. Repeat it in your head if you need to. A lot of people try and rekindle relationships when the initial problem hasn’t been fixed. People need time to change. You don’t owe someone a second chance if they haven’t put in the work to fix anything and you can’t force someone to get help. If you’re unsure about a relationship think about these questions, Do you put off seeing or responding to them? Do you feel worse after spending time with them have they threatened you or themselves in any way? Did they make you feel like you can’t do things on your own or you can’t make a single decision without them? Do they ask for a lot of favors or money and don’t pay it back? Do they talk badly behind your back? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them? Do they put you down? If it’s a yes to more than one of those, then you should start considering either ending it or try to communicate and resolve the problems. Don’t tolerate any pollution. You’re the one who has to live in it, and you deserve clean air. Big thanks to my friend Kati Morton for helping me out with the writing this video. I wanted to make sure I didn’t say anything inaccurate and she’s a licensed specialist with this type of stuff and I trust her a lot. Of course, I hope you’re able to take this advice and interpret it to situations in your own way. If you want to put a lot of energy into trying to help or be there for someone that’s completely fine. I just want people to know it’s okay to think about yourself as well in situations I’ve met and I’m friends with so many great people who tried to help someone they care about but it ended up being too much. And starts dragging them down too, like once you start talking to people about it. It’s like holy crap! Literally everyone’s gone through something like this and it’s so easily preventable if you know what to look for. Anyway, thanks for watching. Hope this helps someone out there. You’re great. Talk to you later. Bye. Ari says bye too.

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  1. Thank u so much for this video I can reely relate 2 things u said and it helped me realize how some of my “friends” are more toxic than I reely thought❤️❤️❤️

  2. Do, you mean, if I am suicidal, I can't get a girlfriend? I wanted a girlfriend to help fix me, not like a psychiatrist, but like hugs, and contact, I'm not manipulative. I also don't want to see a psychiatrist, because last time I did, it backfired. Also, I can't go to family, because my parents are the reason for it, and I can't do it like that.

  3. I used to have some toxic friends who always was manipulating me and I used to play minecraft with them but they destroyed everything I made and they would down talk me because I was a bit worse at the other video games but they were the only friends I had in fourth grade but I’m going into fifth grade some of my childhood friends will be there and when I saw this video at first I ended my toxic relationship with my toxic friends
    Edit:wrong video I am half asleep

  4. I have a friend who has been my best friend for about five years now but recently she has started to tell me how she thinks she's depressed and that her mom is verbally abusing her. But every time I try to talk with her or help her she gets mad and says things like "You don't care about me enough to help!" or "I don't even know why I'm telling you this cause I have no reason to trust you!" and she just dumps all her emotional garbage on me making me sad and she has made me loose a lot of friends because of the emotional pressure she has caused me and I wanna stop being friends with her but everytime she goes to my place she leaves something here so that she'll have to get it back.

  5. ok this is like really bad advice and you're being super judgemental i'm talking about some one who's lost friends to suicide

    i feel like this is too broad like chads probably not intentionally manipulating they probably just don't like any of their GFs friend i never have i have my own friends i do stuff with them my girlfriend is my girlfriend i don't want to hang out with her friends because you can't just shove people into a room together and go "ok be friends now"

    its also kind of rude to be on a date night and some ones just on their phone the entire time

    also also you can say no to drugs i have 2 friends who take drugs and 90% of the rest smoke i made a no drug rule period and a smoke only way outside rule

    also also also you're wrong about mental health in the Army we had to do something called force preservation training and part of that is on 3 days of mental health training you are responsible if some says something like "i want to kill myself" you should always bluntly state "are you having thoughts of suicide" because it shows you're listening to them and it forces them to confront the feelings they might not know they're suicidal yet they might just be making a joke

    studies have shown that taking some one out for a coffee without being asked can actually prevent a suicide attempt you'r being super judgemental part of the reason men kill themselves more often particularly in the Military is because they are reluctant to reach out its seen as weak the other reason is people saying "not my problem go see a doctor" and walking off

  6. Thank you Jaiden this has really helped my perspective on one of my friends and how i was so oblivious. Once again… THANK YOU 🙂

  7. I have a bunch of toxic friends. But I done know how to break it to them. I don't want to be left alone.

  8. One time my biggest bully said he was going to kill himself (aka. My repression of emotional minipulashione)((i have bad spelling)) and it made me so sad but now he can die and i would not care.

  9. I have witched this video a lot and I cut of one of my friends he only told me I was bad and no good but mostly blamed my about his mam and dad blackmailed me and said I wasn’t allowed to take to other of my friends it took a lot but he really upset me so I think it was for the best so if I can do it ( the odd weird one ) you can do to ??

  10. What do i do if a family member (my sister) is a toxic relationship and we are under the age of 18. We are about the same age and for a year ive been trying to be kinder to her to see if im the reason she hates me. She has blatantly told me she hates me. She calls me stupid. Says im weak and says that when i have to live alone i wont be able to survive. The thing is my mom tells me not to blame her and to "let it go" but she physically harms me when she is in one of her "moods" and now i dont want to be near her. I love her so much and i trust her when i know i shouldnt. She steals my stuff and when others call me stupid or weak she just ageees with them. For the questions in the video she went under FIVE of them when the minimum was 1. What do i do if a family member is hates me.

  11. 4:13

    Me when someone did something similar: ok go ahead.
    They were a massive jerk and weren’t my friend so it wasn’t hard but meh… still kinda relates

  12. Well. I used this video to try to explain to someone that is getting manipulated. They ignored it and said it was me that was doing it and there now leaving me…I thought this would help guess not…??

  13. ALL I SAW WAS TOGA AND IM LIKE BOIIII YES!!! sry i just saw her and got overly excited for no reason but yeah. ???

  14. my sister is very manipulative. she even manipulates my mom dad, nan and basically just everyone 🙁 (she abuses everyone)

  15. Awhile ago I was being really rude to my friends, but I didn’t even realise it until one day I realised they were acting really strange towards me, so I started asking myself if it was my fault and I realised I was being really rude to them. I apologised in a really moving text and now we are best friends 🙂

  16. skdjkd this is highkey Really Neat and helped me Really Process that my friend and I have uhhh somewhat toxic relationship so yeah!

  17. The beginning of this video really made me think, 7.5 billion people on this planet, and I'm on the floor of my room watching YouTube all alone. -_-

  18. With my relationship… yeah it's the opposite of toxic. I make sure to check and not be toxic, and my bf isn't toxic. I kinda intoxicate my own ecosystem by thinking I'm not doing enough because my bf is sweet. Example: one valentine's day he got me flowers, chocolates, and toys and I had like the most stuff in my class. I completely forgot valentines day and I made him a quick card and gave him a piece of candy and felt like a big piece of s#!t.

  19. Just thought it funny that a stupid mom out there probably went… my baby is sad?…. **NOT MY PROBLEM! :D**

  20. When someone eats your cookies or chocolate RED FLAG! Also I was kinda the bad person with I will not be you friend or whatever I noticed it I changed when I saw this video sooo thanks jaiden you helped me change that! But I’m also the smushed fly on the window .-.

  21. I have a friend she has been really good to me, she didn’t do anything bad to me, but I wanna distance myself from her cause she’s kinda a bad influence to me…

  22. I was in a toxic friendship. I didn't have any other friends though. I am still affected after 2 years. She told me I looked bad in dresses. I still don't wear them. I always wear sweat shirts and leggings. Sometimes I wonder if people think I'm cutting. I don't really talk to anyone.

  23. After that epic slow-mo sound Jaiden made all I want now is just a soundboard of Jaiden making all sorts of sound effects.

  24. I need some advice. Warning: I talk about self harm, if that’s triggering to anyone, please don’t read
    ( ´∀`)
    I’m 13, (almost 14) and I love to educate myself in these topics you discussed, I also study depression, and how to self improve. Right now, I’m in a really happy point in my life. But my older sister, who’s 16, isn’t. She lives with my dad (I live with my mom) and she almost killed herself in the shower. After she cut herself she called me, and was crying. I managed to stay calm on the phone, but after I had a panic attack. Thoughts were racing through my head like “what if I didn’t do good enough as a sibling, what if it’s my fault” I knew these thoughts were irrational. But I still thought them. That was yesterday. Today she texted me again, that while babysitting her depression started kicking in and she wanted to kill her self. I was mortified. I kept texting and texting her good things and how to self improve and what to do. Our dad and her step mom is taking care of her, and they know about this. Although I can’t believe they let her on her own just one day later after almost killing herself. I texted her step mom to come pick her up immediately and to keep her under supervision at all times. I love her, and I just want her safe, but her laying this on me and how she thinks she’s not good enough and wanted to end it for her is putting me into panic. I don’t know what to do. I can’t just yeet her out of my ecosystem, she’s family.

  25. 7:22
    Hmmmmmmmmm……That looks an awful lot like a sadistic vampire girl from a specific super hero anime most of us know…HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?????????????????????????

  26. Those who break the rules are scum
    Those who abandon their friends are worse than scum
    Obito Uchiha
    Now I’m confused should I leave my friend or not!?!???

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