Sorry hi, hi. Two things, quickly. #1, we’re really happy with how this turned out. #2 we’re- changing it. Utterly. To set it apart from other shows. But enjoy this version all the same. Bye! Ship’s diary of captain Sam Sweetmilk Uh Pretty normal day so far Started the day with- I think, toast? Being the breakfast of champions. Being, by definition Whatever I have for breakfast! Ha. Ghostworth: Can you turn that down, sir? It’s distracting and I’m attempting to not die. Oh yeah! Almost forgot. We seem to be winning some kind of space battle Ship: Repairing Appropriate music can make or break a battle, Ghostworth And why are we in a battle, sir? They’re *firing* at us, Ghostworth. Because..? Well, because I- Sir, someone’s responding to our distress signal. Thank the stars! On screen. They’ve- they’ve fired missiles! Brace for impact! They are very clearly evil. To look at. And, and, look at that little ship. They’re picking on him. Look at him go! They just *look* – Its sides are simply too well defended We’ll take it from behind! We’re the ones being *taken from behind* we’re completely outmatched. This is Ghostworth, first officer of the starship Goldfish We’re answering a distress call and this is all a misunderstanding. FLY UP ITS ARSE. Sam, shut up! Ship, I’m the captain, fly up its arse Ship: Path confirmed Ship, no! Sir they’re flanking us! Close the exhaust! Ship: Chance of collision 34% I like those odds. Ship: Chance of collision 70% I like those odds… Ship: Chance of collision 99% I LIKE THOSE ODDS They’re off scanners! Find them! What the hell are we doing?! Uh, saving the day? Well it looks a jolly awful lot like getting us killed. Yeah. It always does. – We’ve lost propulsion – We’ve lost propulsion
– Weapons systems down The laboratory! Full front shields! Huh. What do you know.
My hiccups have stopped We’re getting a transmission Ah! No doubt the little ship that we …saved *You’re* scary. You pilot a fine ship captain Captain Sweetmilk. Sam Sweetmilk of the star- -ship Goldfish, you’re actually very *very* scary? Sweet.. milk… I have no name, though my enemies have dubbed me… The Avianaut His enemies gave him a cool nickname? In my labours I come to appreciate a great many examples of technology and yours is very fine indeed. I hope my compliments console you in your final moments What? Ghostworth what does he mean? Who was that? That was the reason there was a distress signal Those people needed help! Oh and I’m supposed to *help* everyone I meet? I’d settle for NOT KILLING THEM They’re robots! They can be fixed. All’s well that ends well. Isn’t that right, Ship? Ship: Negative Enemy in pursuit Oh come on! Okay, okay, uh, drop some bombs Ship: Weapon system damaged Go faster! Ship: Not possible Shoot him! Ship: Weapons systems damaged Ship: Weapons systems damaged
Sam: Oh come on! He’s charging up for a shot Okay, okay I’ve got an idea Ship, get ready Sam: On my mark Ship, get ready… Sam: On my mark Ship, get ready…
Ghostworth: Come on, come on, come on… And- Hit the brakes! The Divine Ellipses The Sword of Boobs? Alrighty The Loner. An independent star who doesn’t need a constellation. Bored and alone. No- please, don’t do it We have lives! My moons… What- Huh? Distress signal We’re getting a distress signal! Space Station: Yes We never get *any* signals. Why didn’t you tell me? Space Station: I did. I made a little light, look Whoa, whoa, whoa what do I do? Space Station: We can’t have guests, Vela. Oh forget that. Someone needs help! Space Station: I am programmed to assist only yourself or known friendly vessels Oh come on! Look there’s no friendly vessels, we don’t know anyone! Space Station: True Okay, okay. Check if that distressed ship our contact files Space Station: But there’s nobody *in* our contact files. Just do it! Space Station: Scanning Space Station: Ship is unknown What’s it called? Space Station: Ship is ID’d as the starship ‘Goldfish’ -an exotic vessel of unknown origin which Now… re-scan their IDs? Just humour me. Space Station: Scanning Ship is… what? ID RECOGNISED Is that so? Friendly vessel in distress Dispatching rescue probe Ghostworth: Hm. Still alive. Sam: I’m tired of waking up this way We’re moving. I thought I totalled the ship? You did, sir. It appears that we’re being towed. Towed? For *repairs*? Ghostworth we don’t have *money*. Who’re we being towed by? By an anonymous probe Oh shit – And we can’t- – And we can’t-
– Nothing we can do Magical! Righto. Well do wake me up when we’re being crushed into a cube by scrap merchants, won’t you. I’m gonna go and sleep off this concussion. Ghostworth, have you given your metal a polish? No I haven’t Not that there would be anything wrong with that We don’t meet new people very often I knew it Vela: Attention distressed …vessel This is Vela… *captain* Vela Cytlar speaking I have engaged the dock protocols If you have attack… armaments… please, uh… What? Just put your guns away? Oh I don’t have any guns. Yeah you do. No. I don’t. Yeah you do. No I don’t. ‘Kay. Well, I’m armed. No funny business. Or do I?! No! I don’t! Hiii! – Hello
– I… How are you? Fine, thanks! We need to fix our ship, do you have an automatic repair facility on this station? Sure! It’ll take a few hours though Are you hungry? What? So..? It’s good, thanks? No- I meant- What happened to your ship? Just, uh, adventure. I suppose You’re adventurers?! Could you possibly turn that over there? (genial laugh) (worried laugh) Sorry. My space station is a little… protective? I don’t usually have guests. Shocking. I’ve been saving these fancy meals for ten years! Heh. So, are you gonna eat some? Oh I’m not hungry. Right. Going on adventures is my dream. Can you tell me about em? You wanna know about my daring feats do you? Uh huh! The dangerous deeds of my derring do? Okay, shoot. Yes! Like, okay- what planet are you from? Oh, well- You know… What? Ah it’s just a bit personal. He doesn’t know. You didn’t have to tell her that. You don’t *know*? Ah it’s just a bit… (pained sound) He deleted his memories. When? A year ago. Why? He doesn’t know. I DON’T- I don’t know. Sorry! It’s alright, he needs to accept it. So he deleted his memories A year ago. What? Why do I have a gun? That’s wrong! This is all wrong. That… that’s… that I can live with. Look at that face! Okay! Nice. Oh wow. That’s a very small penis. I’m dreaming This is a dream. You’re gonna go back to bed and you’re gonna wake up and that’s a robot Okay Ghostworth: Improper access method Improper access method So… punching turns you on? Please don’t phrase it like that And no, I just wanted him to stop hitting me That’s a helluva first memory. So that’s why he’s adventuring? To find his lost memories Oh I wish it were so noble The captain’s mission, Vela, as far as I can tell is simple self destruction It’s unnecessary. He could just live a good life Well- if you lost your whole life wouldn’t you be afraid of getting a new one? In case it happens again Uh, warning. Losers detected. That’s losers detected in the dining room What’s he doing in the control room? Seriously though we are under attack What?! Quite a chase you led me on. Sweet… Milk… I have a fear erection. That’s how scary you are. Who the hell is that? Oh thats an evil bird who’s chasing me Your acceleration drive caught me off guard Tell me how it works. I push buttons? How does it work No really I just push buttons and hope for the best – Is that true? – Is that true?
– Yes it’s awful Very well Vela what’s your ship’s name? Huh? Its name, what’s its name? it doesn’t have one? I never needed to introduce it to anyone before That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard Tragic Space station! Space Station: Yes Full front shields, siphon the power reserves from the Goldfish Seal off the side ports and prime all rear-facing escape pods He’s retreating? What in the crap was that about? Yeah! ♪ You cannot / ♪ You cannot /
Defeat Sam Sweetmilk Because his penis / Because his penis /
Is too big ♪ Guys Where are all the stars? Fire! What are those? Space Station: Missiles detected What? Shit! Panic. Panicking! Time to go! We can’t. The Goldfish can’t. It’s still broken, Sam. So this is how it happens. Sorry we got you killed, Vela WHAT Space Station: Fifteen seconds to impact Space Station: Ten seconds Five Four Three Two One. There’s frost on my eyeballs I’m alive Son of a bitch! What was that about? Yeah! Ugh, my heart I tell you, near death experiences? So much fun! After the fifth or sixth time You! With the missiles! Identify yourselves! It’s called a near-death erection and I never get tired of it Can you stop talking about your penis? Vela could you maybe calm down Ghostworth my home is just the way I like it. Intact. I’m riled. Identify yourself I am Secateur. Admiral to the fleet of the Automatic Empire The Automatic Empire? Why were you shooting at us? We didn’t! We fired upon another. Who? Ah. Hang on. Why only him? Sam… What’s he done that’s outdone what I’ve done? What’d he do? Exactly! I want that reaction from you Except a bit meaner? Meaner, Vela Look. Grr. We have repaired those you damaged in your attack And we watched as the Avianaut turned on you Pardon me but I didn’t almost die four times this afternoon to come second to a bird in a spacesuit Do you have any idea how daring I am? Hint. “Very Daring” You don’t know about the Avianaut, do you? What’s to know? Whoa Mystifying Indeed, absolutely- Why is this door so tall? Sam No seriously, who uses this Welcome. Tall Pardon? If I tripped you over would you die? I doubt it You are about to learn the history of the being we call Avianaut Follow me Dare me to push him Shush Each of these items illustrates an event in our continuing war First our capital, Hub, was destroyed For a long time this bomb fragment was our only clue that we had an enemy at all That is Until we received one of Avianaut’s recordings Technology. Profanity. I am your end. Soon your obscene consciousness shall be pried loose of your metal bodies Rejoice, abominations! I approach, and I am merciful silence
– That’s… that’s enough Erect your d
– Are you okay? As Automatons the idea that we are any less alive or ‘true’ than another being is a painful thing to hear Ignore me. Please continue Maybe we should move on Whoa! What’s that? A big grey thing The thing is white. Look closer Each notch represents a casualty in the war waged by the Avianaut This is a… a mausoleum! What about these red ones? Sam, don’t touch the war crime Organic casualties. In the past we have commissioned hunters to pursue him Bounty hunters? Commissioned you say We manufacture minerals in order to procreate and this leads to a surplus which we sell on the open market to aid in our- – so… so money happens? Money happens, right? Yes Sam may I speak to you for a moment? What do those- What do those hundreds of dead bounty hunters say to you What a shame that not everyone is as capable as me? Mattock: Hello Hello Matter Unit: Hi Hello What? I’m delivering your matter unit, to help you capture the Avianaut! Capture the Avianaut?! Did you not get to that part yet? This- this was all a setup! You just want more bounty hunters! You spared our lives to send us on a suicide mission! Oh shit What does it do? What do you do? I make things Can you make toast? I could birth the heart of a star? Or build life from a strand of DNA Answer the question Sam we’re clearly being manipulated this missions impossible Well you can’t spell impossible without possible Secondly, why are you asking for money? They seem fairly advanced. You could ask if they could restore your memories Is that true? Could you do that for me? I mean, the memory cells are are all dead. Long dead. I checked. But could you do that for me? Get my memories back From nothing I doubt that. But if you were to succeed you would be rewarded REWAR DED I’m so sorry about all this Employment! So sexy You know, I’m already getting into this? Yeah it’s pretty exciting. You know, it’s like… freedom. Uh huh Now your ship’s repaired you can just leave and go wherever Mhm Pretty rad For you That’s right Do you think I’d make a good adventurer? Sorry? Like do you think I’d be useful? You are joking, right? You’re gonna make a great adventurer, Vela! I’m gonna? You mean it?! I mean it. That girl’s really going places Did it occur to you that she wanted to ‘go places’ with us, sir? No! Not once It’s okay, Vela. They need you. They’re gonna turn around. Well she did. Well we’re going dangerous places Ghostworth! Places nobody would even dream of going Places like that way! You fixed their ship, shot three missiles out of the sky with a handgun and survived the vacuum of space so naturally they’re definitely gonna Oh come on! So the ship wasn’t quite ready for that manoeuvre would you maybe send a probe? Yeah, no I know Heh, we’re- we’re dying Anytime, really Now. Now is good.