Whoa, m’deers! Stop! Hooray – home again! Gorr…blooming feet are frozen. Alright, alright! There you are m’deers. That’s it for another blooming year! Aah, yeah nice cup of tea. There you go. Let’s give it a little bit of a… of the old…ahh Aaah…yes that’s better. Blocks of blooming…i… ice! Ooh, ah bliss! Oh, I know what you’re thinking Don’t know what he’s blooming well moaning about! Life of Reilly! Bed of blooming roses! Wonder what he does with the other three hundred and sixty-four days!? Well, I’ll let you into a big blooming secret! For a start, there’s the reindeer to see to every day. Then there’s the garden. Then my blooming veggy patch. Housework… shopping… in fact, last year i was so blooming fed up with it all I decided to do something about it. A blooming good holiday, that’s what I need. But where? Italy! Greece. Or Ireland, maybe. Holland! Canada, definitely. Er, or Germany. Tunisia… Switzerland… France! France. That’s it! Oi! Land of culture and civilisation. Food! Wine! Sun! Camping! Mmmm…Perhaps not. Ha ha haa. A blooming genius, that’s what I am! Mmm, hmm, now a bit of four-be-two… ten panels of…yes. Down the old do-it-yourself… shouldn’t take more than, well… Blooming shoddy… blooming bent… blooming nails! Ouch! Vous vous etes ils…er…sont Nous…er…avons un…deux…trois! Lecon Dix: Repetez apres moi… La plume de ma tante. You know what you can do with your blooming ‘Tante’ love! Blooming ‘finis’! Thank goodness. Ah. Tres bon, n’est ce pas? Oi! Mind the blooming paint! Right then. Socks, vests, shirts, trousers, hats. Sugar, cocoa, salt, pepper, swimming gear, watercolours, guide books, phrase book. Blooming animals. Aah, La belle blooming France. Marvellous! Suppose I ought to do some shopping though. Wish I didn’t look so like a blooming foreigner. That’s better! More French. Not so blooming conspicuous. Eh M’sieur. Merci, me old mate. Right… I’m going to have a bash at everything going. Oooh. No chips, mate? Chips? Les frites!? Sacre bleu! Vous plaisantez, non, Monsieur? I think that means no blooming chips. How about ketchup, then? Dis-doncs, les Anglais, urgh! H.P. sauce? No? Non Monsieur. Just have to make the best of it then, I suppose. Ooo. M’sieur… cafe creme, et l’addition. Crumbs! Blooming expensive! Oh no! Oh, no. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Where are the alka-whatsits? The dio-thingy? Oooh aaah! Oh, out of me blooming way cows! Better get to a proper camping ground. Oh proper toilets for a start! Crumbs! Ooooh! Must be the blooming water. Perhaps a bit of breakfast. Whose are they? That old bloke looks like Father Christmas Crumbs! Time to move on. Now… Where? Hmm…let me see now. Pure water… Scotland! Of course! The best water in the world. Crumbs…what a place! Morning. Blooming cold though. Blooming marvellous! Ooh, just the job! Hey mum! Its Santa Claus! Och! Awa’ wi’ ye! Time to move on again, I suppose. Crumbs! It’s not raining! Aaaarh! It’s freezing! Crumbs! Help! Shark! Shaaaarrrks! Rain. Cold. Sharks. What a blooming country! Enough’s enough. Somewhere hot. Hmm, of course! Las Vegas! Blooming obvious really! Hmm, not a bad little hotel. Have a nice day, Sir. Nice little room. Yawn. A swim. That’s it for today. Time for a little snack, I think. Blooming marvellous! Quite good little puds, too! Better smarten myself up for the evening. Now where are we, there we go. Not bad out of a blooming cracker! Oh. Hang on a minute. Re-anne a plume madam et monsier! Right. There we go. No more bets. Too blooming right mate! Nothing left to blooming well play with! Oh dear, too blooming old for all this. Bedtime I think. Here we go again. Ta. Four! Look at that then! Hey mom, is that fat guy Santa Claus? Time to be off again. Oh well. Crumbs! Running low on money, anyway! Say mac, are you Santa Claus? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Umm, I’d certainly better blooming well go home. Alright, alright. Hooray! Home again. Look at the blooming garden. Blooming weeds. And the mower’ll never go through that blooming grass! Thanks heaven that’s over. Good to be home really. Better get those two rascals. Alright, alright. Mind my blooming beard! Here we are then. Ooh! What’s going on here? Ah-ha! Blooming post’s started coming in already. I can hardly get in the blooming door! It get’s earlier every year. Better get down to it… in a minute! Look at this, what will they call me next!? Santa Claus… Pere Noel… Saint Nicholas… Just blooming old Father Christmas really. Still it’s all the same, I suppose. What? Hmm Eh? Where d’you want these, mate? So that’s two hundred teddy bears. No, no, two hundred and one. No, that’s a panda. Blooming building bricks, weigh a ton! Have to look that one up. Blooming pony! How does she think I’ll get that on the sledge? Ooooh, I’ll think of something. Can I back the lorry round the side, mate? Where’d all this lot come from? Oh dear. Where? Where? What? Just one more blooming chore. Off to a fancy-dress party, then, Sir? I should be so blooming lucky! Huh! Get off! Get off. Blooming Christmas Eve again. Blooming snow during the night. There you are me deers. Further falls of snow are expected later on this eve… Blooming sleet. Blooming snow. Would be, wouldn’t it! Roll on summer, that’s what I say. Back, back Go on, go on. Right oh, me deers, this is blooming well it! Tally-hoooo! SONG ‘For all the little girls and boys’ ‘I’ve got this sack full of toys’ ‘I’m sure it gets blooming heavier every year’ ‘You got to remember’ ‘This day in December’ ‘Is my busiest blooming night of the year’ ‘With hours still to go’ ‘And my boots are full of snow’ ‘And both my poor old feet are blooming freezing’ ‘As we sail through the sky’ ‘Going ever to high’ ‘We wish you the best of the blooming season’ ‘So jump up on my sleigh’ ‘And we’re all on our way’ ‘To another blooming Christmas’ ‘I know I must look a sight’ ‘Up on your roof tonight’ ‘Trying to wriggle down your blooming chimney’ ‘It’s just the getting inside’ ‘Is it me that’s too wide’ ‘It squeezes everything outside that blooming in me’ ‘And I deliver all the toys’ ‘Without making a single noise’ ‘And I look at their blooming faces’ ‘So quiet’ ‘And I know in the morning’ ‘When Christmas comes a dawning’ ‘There’s bound to be another blooming riot’ ‘So jump up on my sleigh’ ‘And we’re all on our way’ ‘To another blooming Christmas’ Ah! Flipping heck! Ahh. Whoops. Hi, loo’s upstairs, first on the left. Not awfully original, haha SONG ‘All the bells will soon be ringing’ ‘Glad tidings they’ll be bringing’ ‘Soon I’ll hearing them singing in my blooming head’ ‘So from me and my reindeer’ ‘We’ll see you all next year’ ‘I’m going home soon to my blooming bed’ ‘So jump up on my sleigh’ ‘And we’re all on our way’ ‘To another blooming Christmas’ ‘So jump up on my sleigh’ ‘And we’re all on our way’ ‘To another blooming Christmas’ ‘So from me and my reindeer’ ‘We’ll see you all next year’ ‘For another blooming’ ‘Christmas!’ No blooming chimney for a start! Oh well, here goes! Nearly there, boys Bit late, mind! Glad you could make it again… The party I mean. Not your Snowman. Oh, that’s blooming torn it! Oh my goodness. I’ve left the wrong present before but never… Well, there’s only one thing for it! Come on, me deers. We’re going for the blooming record! Goodbye! Come on! We’ll blooming well make it or bust! Good, the flags flying, they’re in! Morning mate! Wooaaaah. Right, right, right Come on, come on, come on. Still at it, mate eh? Done now, thank blooming goodness. Better get a move on out of here! Not far now, m’deers. So there you are, now you blooming well know, don’t you! Perhaps you won’t be quite so quick to moan about me when you look in your blooming stockings in future! Nobody’s perfect. Can’t wait to get into my blooming bed. Better put the blooming pud on as well I suppose. Might as well take mine up for when i wake up for me lunch. That’ll be another blooming awful tie from Auntie Edie. Then here we have the usual ghastly blooming socks from Cousin Violet. But! Haha! This’ll be more like it! Good old Uncle Bob! That’s that for another blooming year! Aah! And a Happy blooming Christmas to you and all! SONG ‘Poor old Father Christmas’ ‘He never sees Christmas morn’ ‘He works so hard on Christmas Eve’ ‘He’s asleep before the dawn’ ‘Dear old Father Christmas’ ‘We think you’re very kind’ ‘And if you get a little grumpy’ ‘We don’t really mind’ Thank you Father Christmas’ ‘From every boy and girl’ ‘And all the children everywhere’ ‘In the whole wide blooming world’ So from me and my reindeer We’ll see you all next year For another… blooming… Christmas! Merry Blooming Christmas!