Purgatony Episode 05 – Demons in the Dugout

Purgatony Episode 05 – Demons in the Dugout

(phones ringing) (keyboard clicking) – Hey there buddy, heard the good news? – Look, I know you’re an
angel now, Chad Bradley, but I swear to God, if you say
one word about Jesus to me, I’m gonna shove this
computer right up your– – Ho, ho, ho, not that
good news, this good news! – In what world is that good news? – It’s great news! This means more work for us, more chances for Chad Bradley to shine. – Still bad news. Also, do we want more dead people? Is that our goal? I’ve never been clear on what the hell we’re
actually doing here. – Work is calling! La-di-da-di-da-di-da! – Yeah, yeah, yeah,
get lost, Chad Bradley. All right, let’s see what we’ve got. Oh, goddammit. Hello, I’m Tony Purgatelli, this is purgatory, and you’re dead. – Tony Purgatelli. – I know it’s a weird name, plus it sounds kinda like purgatory, which you think would be
convenient, but it’s totally not. – It’s you! – Coach Carruthers! – (laughs) I can’t believe it, my all-star high school baseball champ! Look at ya! – Wow, my old coach! We got a real character
history together, you and me. – So what are you doing in this stuffy old office afterlife, Tony? You should be in a “Field
of Dreams” type of place. A baseball heaven! – Yeah, well Coach, it turns
out you don’t really get to pick your afterlife, so– – (laughs) You were so talented, Tony. The best! You coulda been anything! You coulda been a baseball coach! – Well, ya know, I mean,
I lost a championship, and I missed out on the scholarship, and, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, hold on. Why is baseball coach at the top of your aspiration list here? – Why are you indoors pushing
those computer buttons? You should be outdoors
pushing a ball really fast. With a bat! – Well, you know, it’s
not so bad here, Coach. I mean, I got a stable
job, I got a computer, I got this, uh, filing cabinet. – Oh, poor, poor Tony. All that potential, all that promise, all of those baseball years wasted. – The fuck’s a baseball year? – And here you are wasting away at a desk. What a shame! (glass breaking)
– Okay, well, you know, it was nice catching up with you, Coach. I mean, look, you were always a friend and a mentor to me, and I’m supposed to get really in-depth in
examining the events of your life, but I’m gonna go ahead
and send you to heaven. (phone beeping)
– [Death] Tony, office! Mine! You get in now! – Oh, hold on a second Coach Carruthers, I’ll be right back, this
actually happens a lot. (ominous music) Hey, what’s up boss? – Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony. What are we doing here? – You called me in here. – No, I mean what are
we doing in Purgatory? Back in the day, people’s
fates weren’t decided by stuffy office button-pushers. – Aw, come on now, that’s not nice. – People’s fates used to be decided the old-fashioned way! – War? – No. – Uh, gladiator fights. – Shut up! Baseball, Tony, baseball. Back in the baseball
years, when men were men, and women had a league of their own. – Yeah, it’s funny you mention baseball, ’cause I just got this
new client, my old coach. Our story’s seem to be intertwining in some contrived way, but now I’m nervous about what you’re gonna say next. – Tony, we’re going to have a company baseball game
to determine the fate of those 40,000 dead people
from the stadium collapse. – Oh jeez, there it is, narrative synergy, cold open falling right
into act one, aw crap. ♪ There’s no stars, there’s no sun ♪ ♪ No time off for anyone ♪ ♪ There’s no clock on the wall ♪ ♪ There’s no end to it all ♪ ♪ Everyone’s on overtime ♪ ♪ And there’s no overtime ♪ ♪ Oh, your book of life is weighed ♪ ♪ On a good-bad divider ♪ ♪ Oh, there’s much too much to grade ♪ ♪ For a cynical decider ♪ ♪ This is hardly working ♪ ♪ This is hardly living ♪ ♪ This is my job! ♪ – [Tony] I didn’t come up
with a post theme song line for this one, sorry. – [Death] Have you ever
seen “Space Jam,” Tony? – No. – What? Are you kidding me? I’m outside of space and
time and even I’ve seen it. Anyway, Purgatory is gonna
put together a baseball team, and I want you to coach it. One game, winner take
all, all 40,000 souls. – Oh, okay who’s the other team? – Uh, Hell. – Wait wait wait wait, it
sounds like you said Hell. – Look Tony, I fucked up. I fucked up really bad. I made one of those devil deal things. – A deal with the devil? – Yeah, that. Oh God, Satan challenged me to a contest of souls, and I said yes, and then he said, “Choose the terms.” And I said, “Baseball years, bitch!” And well, I can’t back out now. Keep this between us. – All this is getting really complicated. – You’re gonna be facing off against a bunch of Monstars, Tony. I mean Demons. Horrific hellbeasts. Horns, wings, all of it! – Oh, man. – If you win, all those souls come to Purgatory for judgment. But if you lose, they
all go straight to Hell! – No! That means Coach Carruthers, my mentor! He’ll go to Hell too! – Ha, there ya go, Tony! There’s your character motivation! Now get to it! Put on this hat, here’s a whistle. You’re a coach now! (sporty music) – All right, who’s on my team? Let’s see, we got Chad Bradley. Well, he’s probably pretty good. Got Samael. Hey, he’s big. This guy, we got that guy. Oh no, not Prince Narplebottom! – Baseball sounds delicious! Ooh, how do you participate? Which end of the stick goes in my rectum? – Oh, oh God, we’re doomed. – Wow Tony, look at ya! You’re a real baseball coach! Now get your team motivated with a speech. – Oh okay, all right, all right. Listen up, team. You’re gonna do great. We’re gonna hit, uh, we’re gonna run. We’re gonna win the game,
and decide the fates of tens of thousands of people. Oh man, this is horrible. The stakes are too high,
I can’t handle this! – [Chad] I got this, Tony. Team, these are the times that define our afterlives,
our baseball years! You’re gonna go out
there and put your nose to the grindstone. Your brains to the ball-bat, and switch your arms
to swingy-catchy mode. Our time is now, and you’re the best damn
team I could’ve asked for. – Yay, Chad Bradley! – I’m motivated now. – Good speech, Tony. – (spitting) There are three
more balls inside of me, and none are in my mouth. (flames roaring) (piano music) (demon laughing) (baby crying) – Oh God, these guys are
pretty huge and scary. I don’t think we’re gonna beat ’em. Plus if we don’t win, Coach Carruthers and everybody else goes
to Hell, oh God, oh jeez! – I’m sure we can do it, Tony! It’s like “Space Jam!” – That means nothing to me. Why does everyone keep
referencing that movie? – You haven’t seen “Space Jam?” It won the Oscar, Tony! – Hey, Tony. Couldn’t help but notice
you’re down 20 points and it’s the seventh inning, if you don’t mind a bit
of coach-to-coach advice. – Oh yeah, Coach Carruthers,
that would be great! (inspiring music)
– Be better. – Oh. – Stop being bad. – Right. – Tell your team to also stop being bad. – Oh, okay. – Try to get the other
guys to hit the ball less, and have your guys circle the bases more. – Oh, okay well that’s sort
of what I was going for, Coach Carruthers, but you
know, the other team is made up of, like, 8-foot tall,
fire-breathing hellbeasts. – I believe in you, Tony, but that belief’s gonna run out real quick if you lose this game. No pressure or anything! – Put me in coach, I’m ready! – Oh no, not gonna do that. You’re just gonna keep
the bench warm, okay? – Oh, I’m going to be keeping it wet with all this excitement. Oh, how I wish my family could see me now. My mother and my father,
my sister and my nephew, all both of those people! – Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, you’re inbred, I get it, I get your thing. – [Teammate] Tony, watch out! (harp music) – [Echoing Voice] Hello Tony. – Who are you? – I’m Space Jam. – Oh my God, really? Everybody’s been referencing you today. It’s so great to finally meet you. I can’t believe you’re an
actual jar of jam in space. – We’re inside your imagination. I’m what you think I am. – Oh, cool. – Your imagination sucks, Tony. – Oh. – But you can still win the game if you listen to me carefully. – I’m listening. – It sound like you’re really in a jam. – Ha ha! – I’m being motivational,
shut up for a sec. – Oh, I though you were making a joke. – I wasn’t. You’re in a jam, and I
can get you out of it, if you heed this advice. You have to cheat. – Wait wait, what?
(suspenseful trumpeting) – You have to cheat at the game, just like the Monstars did
against Bugs Bunny in the movie. You need Bill Murray too. – I’m not sure how my
imagination is seeing a movie I haven’t seen, but I think you’re right, I think I can win this game if I cheat. – Whoop, there it is. Now get out there and jam, Tony. (sporty music) Cheat. Bill Murray. (chanting) – Wakey wakey, Tony. Look at the scoreboard. After you got knocked out, I took your hat and your whistle and said all
of the things you were meant to say to the team. You’re doing it, champ! You’re coaching a winning team! – Oh, well thanks for,
wait, wait, wait, wait! – No no no, Tony, like this. (rock music) Nice one, Tony! This is all you, bud. Great job! Great catch sport, you did it! – You, you! You threw the baseball! You knocked me out and took over for me! That’s what you always did,
you never believed in me! I was never good at baseball. (chuckling) – Of course you weren’t,
Tony, you were terrible! But I needed to win. So I made you a champion,
by being a better you than you could ever be. – Those weren’t even my
flashbacks, were they? They were yours! – You can’t have flashbacks, slugger, on account of how many times
I beaned you in the head. That part of your brain is dead, Tony. – Then what happened to my scholarship? You built me up for all those years, and I still didn’t get it. – But you did. Well I did, as you! I accepted the scholarship,
since it was rightfully mine, and went to college under your name! Full ride! – Oh God, my life is a lie! – I also lost your
virginity for you, Tony, to your girlfriend! It’s just like Space Jam! – Oh my God, she was 16! You’re a Monstar, Coach
Carruthers, a Monstar! – Look Tony, you’re not good at baseball, or sex, or anything. So ol’ Coach Carruthers had
to help you out a little by injuring your brain and assuming your identity over and over. And, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna help you out one more
time so we can win this game and you can send ol’ Coach
Carruthers to Heaven. – Time-out, Coach Carruthers! – Aw? A giant skeleton said I’m the coach of this team of weirdos,
so I’m calling the shots! Hey, Prince! – Yes? – Tony, what are you doing? That guy’s worse at baseball than you are at having sex with my
16-year-old girlfriend! – Hey, Prince Narplebottom
or whatever, play ball! – Oh! – Fuck me, it’s just like Space Jam! (distorted recorder music) – [Announcer] Strike One! – Ooh, that one was fast! It’s hard to hold this ball-stick with my webbed butt cheeks. – [Announcer] Strike two! – Ow, I think that one
tore the supple flesh right off my backside! Oh, am I facing the right direction? – [Announcer] Strike three, he’s out! – Oh, that was exhilarating! My breaches are soiled
with excitement and organs. – [Announcer] And that’s the game! Hell wins! Hell wins! (crowd screaming) – Tony, maybe you wanna step in for your ol’ coach on this one? At least knock me out? (screaming) – Way to go, Tony! You really settled that personal grudge at the expense of 40,000 innocent souls. Half of them were children. But at least you resolved some backstory. – Oh right, children. I guess I really sent a
lot of kids to Hell there. Oh man, Death is gonna be pissed. – Well, if it makes you feel
any better, I’m probably free and clear of any
responsibilities, so later, gator. (smooching) – [Death] Tony, get in here! (ominous organ sounding) Mind explaining yourself? – Huh? – Ugh, don’t act so surprised, Tony. I’m a hundred feet tall,
of course it’s huge. Take a picture, why don’t you? Anyway, you really screwed
the pooch out there, Tony. 40,000 souls down the gutter. – Yeah, but like, the
whole thing was your idea. I mean, you picked me as the coach and put the team together. I feel like this one’s one you. – You’re right, maybe
I am partly to blame. – Or completely, I don’t know. I mean, you gambled away 40,000 souls. – Yep, partly to blame. You know, I learned something today, Tony. Maybe baseball and business shouldn’t mix. – I coulda told you that
back at the beginning. I mean, I feel like nothing
was accomplished here, y’know. Nobody’s story was advanced,
nothing really made any sense. If I was binge-watching this, I could probably just skip the whole thing with no consequences. – Life is kinda like baseball, Tony. – No, Baseball’s not a
metaphor for everything. – Life is kind of like a game of football. – Just cause you changed
sports doesn’t mean– – Have you you ever seen
“Little Giants,” Tony? – No.
– “Remember the Titans?” – No.
– “Angels in the Outfield?” – No. – “Mighty Ducks?”
“Rudy?” “The Sand Lot?”
“Caddyshack?” – No! – Gah, you’re breaking my bones, Tony. Whatever, get back to work. (keyboard tapping) (phone beeping) What about “Airbud,” you seen “Airbud?” – No! – Okay, that’s my next plan. Meet me at dog Heaven in ten
minutes, we’re doing this. (ominous music) – [Chad] Ha ha, what a great episode. Chad Bradley here. Make sure to tell all of your friends about Purgatony so they could watch it. You do have friends, don’t you? I’ve got lots of friends, with benefits! (laughing) Gotta go, bye-bye! (blowing kiss) (rock music)

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  1. "What did you expect? I'm 100 feet tall, of course it's huge!"
    And oh my gosh prince snarflebottom xD Definitely should be a show on adult swim.

  2. ok can someone help me ive been trying to think about the incest prince how can his mother father sister and nephew be just 2 people lets just say there is no one else in the equation how

  3. The only movie Death mentioned in this entire video I've watched is Mighty Ducks. And I don't mean the vine channel, that's some fucked up shit.

  4. My first time watching this series, I actually skipped all but like the first 2 mins and just went to the next one cuz it clearly had no purpose for any characters

  5. Bla bla bla I love this channel. Bla bla bla I'm trying to help your algorithm. Good chi. Awesome wonderful funny novel hilarious dark saterical. Gg 07 high five

  6. Seriously though, chad Bradley has a point. Tony should’ve let coach cruders win the game for him and then sent coach cruders to hell personally.

  7. HOLD UP!
    The score was 20-20 when the game ended and hell somehow still won.

    It should’ve gone to extra innings.

  8. Keep up the good work my older friend love the show. One of them is blind and loves listing to u. He find u hilarious

  9. My mother my father my sister my nephew all both of those people… Leaves so much of a disturbing image… I don't even see how that is possible…

  10. Boss: have you ever seen space jam?
    Tony: no
    Boss: WHAT I’m outside of space and time and I’ve seen it, anyway we’re going to put together a baseball team
    Me: wasn’t space jam about basketball?

  11. So is Space Jam and the coach being a pedophile a coincidence or what? Since the movie has an R. Kelly song in it and he continuously went after underaged girls…

  12. Poor purgatory workers half of the building is burning because of hell
    And half of the building is just blind people on computers because of the light of heaven…


  13. game ends 20-20 in the 7th inning and hell wins while the up clearly missed the batter get hit by the ball 3 times. they truly got the reel fell of a MLB game. one team gets complete fucked (also missed a great chance to throw shade at pete rose.

  14. Explosm Entertainment
    Season 1 Purgatony Views in Millions

    Episode 1: 2.5
    Episode 2: 2.2
    Episode 3: 2.1
    Episode 4: 1.8
    Episode 5: 1.5
    Episode 6: 1.6
    Episode 7: 1.4
    Episode 8: 1.2

    In total, there are over 14.3 million views on this series, but it appears that slowly consumers have lost interest in the last episodes of the series. I recommend watching this with friends or just sharing it with more people. Don’t keep this show as a secret to yourself or you’ll never see a Season 2.

  15. If you say there’s no stars then why would you say there’s no sun the sun is a star so you are just repeating yourself

  16. Honestly, I would love Tony's job. Reading a synopsis of someone's life then sending them to heaven or hell. Sounds like some fun times.

  17. Death says “I’m a hundred feet tall, of course it’s huge” so I did some math

    If the average man is 5 feet 9 inches tall, then he is 5.75 feet tall (because 12 inches in a foot 9/12=3/4=.75) so now I take 100 feet and do 100ft/5.75ft
    This gives me a number that has a bunch of decimal points, so I’ll just round a bit and say 17.39
    The average penis is 5.5 inches, but we will round up and say 6
    So now I multiply 6 inches by that ratio I got by doing 100/5.75 and I get 104.35 (again with a bunch of other numbers after that but I’m rounding)
    So now I take the number of inches I just got and divide that by 12 to see how many feet it is
    And it comes out to about 8.7 feet
    So death’s penis would be almost 9 feet long, and that’s only if it were slightly above average. It could actually be quite a bit bigger. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

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